All horsepeople share a common enemy: the fly. No matter what breed of horse you own, no matter what style of riding you prefer, no matter where you live or who you are, if you have horses, you have flies. And there's nothing good about that.

Horsepeople hate flies. Flies are obnoxious, they're ugly, they spread disease, they irritate the horses, and there's too many of them. Flies bite.

Flies suck.

I grew up hating flies. My whole family hated them. So did my neighbors. I'm not afraid to admit that as boys, my buddies and I tormented the little fiends. In addition to the traditional tearing off of wings, we enjoyed tying a strand of hair around a fly's leg and watching it hover around like a miniature kite. This is easier to do than you might think. Another favorite trick was to load a previously stunned fly into a pellet gun and discharge it upon my neighbor's bathroom mirror. Splat. He said he was sure his mom wouldn't mind.

Should there be a limit to what we can do to these loathsome creatures? Is there a point where it becomes too cruel even for a fly? My answer is: absolutely not. I believe that all the evil, inhumane deeds that members of our species have committed upon one another should have been done to flies instead. I often wonder why God allows humans the capacity to hate. Foolish beings; we use it on one another. Clearly hate is an emotion intended for flies - Satan's Air Force.

My horse-loving daughter, Jamie, feels I go too far with all of this. She doesn't like flies either. "But Dad," she says "don't you think three fifty-five gallon barrels of citronella is a bit much for a two-horse barn?" Jamie is afraid I'm going to create a toxic environment for her horses.

I can't help it. I love the smell of citronella in the morning! It's the smell of victory. I relish bounding around from manure heap to manure heap, whistling the Flight of the Valkeries while showering unprepared fly communities with this lovely toxin. My goal: turn my property - no, my neighborhood - no the world(!) - into a "No Fly Zone". We must declare War on the Fly! We must eradicate the little beasties! We must rid the world of these inflydels!!!

I wish flies had teeth so I could yank them out.

Jamie says this is getting weird. I'm going overboard, she says. And she doesn't even know about the cape. Or my mask. Yeah, I tell her, you think it's goofy now, you don't think much of me now, but believe me in the dogs days of summer when you're out mucking in the steam bath of a reeking stall, drowning in the kind of sweat that makes your clothes stick to your skin and the flies are buzzing, buzzing around your face and neck and ears and hair and up your nose and in your mouth and you're irritable and sick to your stomach and you glance down on a gushy pile of maggot infested manure - well by golly, you'll think of me.

One of my favorite movies is "The Fly". Not the version where the cute little fly with a man's head goes "help me, help me!" No, I like the one that includes the scene at the very end when Jeff Goldblum/Mr. Fly dies a grisly, painful death. When Geena Davis screams "No! No!", I yell "Yes! Yes!" I rewind and watch that scene over and over. And I chuckle every time.

I enjoy paging through equine supply catalogs and perusing the anti-fly products. It's fun to see what the professional fly killers have come up with. However, I'm a bit disappointed when these products fall under the heading of "Fly Control Products" or "Fly Repellant". That's too passive. If we are to beat the fly, we must adopt a more proactive attitude. We need products that reflect our disgust, our utter disdain for these loathsome creatures. We need to get violent.

A recent magazine ad from AbsorbineÆ for its UltraShieldÆ products reflects the proper attitude. It includes a picture of a NORAD type radar screen picking up a formation of enemy flies violating North American air space. The top of the screen reads "ABSORBINE AIR DEFENSE COMMAND". The middle of the screen tells us the target is LOCKED ON. The text below the picture includes statements like "knock down flies", "ace protection from airborne invaders" and "kill". "The most advance air defense system in the world", they proudly claim. The people at AbsorbineÆ understand that we are at war.

I'm glad somebody gets it. I was beginning to think I was alone.