Most women just have bad hair days. Horse women get helmet hair (squished flat, bangs glued to the forehead) but are too busy mucking stalls, fixing fences, and keeping the ponies out of the neighbors' yards to worry about such small stuff. While helmet hair is inconvenient, horse women are much more likely to suffer from Bad Horse Days, a recurring condition lasting hours, days, weeks, months o* Years, and marked by the inability of the rider to ride well or the horse to respond to/remember his training.

The severity of bad horse days (BHDs) varies considerably. Like PMS and motherhood, BHDs tend to be cyclical in nature. The sufferer may find periods of respite followed by acute to chronic conditions, depending on the rider's age, breed, conformation, temperament, and training, as well as those of the horse.

I've been told that you can alleviate BHDs using such measures as trips to the beach (leaving the horses at home), using your horses as pasture ornaments, or purchasing horses that are too young to ride. Such "prospects" can keep you feeling hopeful for many years, until you actually have to ride them.

If you've got lots of cash, it is also possible to alleviate BHDs by leaving your horse with a skilled professional. This person will look better than you on your horse and make it behave like a trained animal. For a sum, the professional will compete your horse, earning stylish ribbons and photos that will look nice in your living room. You can proudly wear the title of "owner." Adventurous types can get on the horse occasionally and put it through its paces before its training comes completely undone.

How do you know if you're having a bad horse day? If you have to ask the question, you're probably unmounted or not currently suffering from BHD. While BHD manifests itself in many ways, sufferers commonly report one or more of the following symptoms. (Be advised that this is but a sampling of BHD symptomsa complete list would be much too lengthy to publish in an article of this nature.) For each of the following indications, check the items that you have recently experienced. If you check 15 boxes, you are having a bad horse day; if you check more than five, you having a severe case and may want to consider immediate bedrest.

You know you're having a Bad Horse Day when

* Your horse develops an aversion to being ridden. After refusing to stand still to let you mount him, he develops an affinity for bucking.

* You spend more time in the footing than in the saddle.

* You realize that at the current rate of progress you'll be a decent rider by age 204. Your horse may be trained if he lives to the age of 90. You're both taking expensive vitamin supplements, but you sense you're unlikely to make it past 102.

* You visit any number of health professionals to undo the damage your horse has done. This may include (but is not limited to) chiropractors, orthopedic surgeons, accupuncturists, and psychiatric professionals. Crutches or casts are strong indicators of a BHD.

* You consider what else you could be spending your money on and whether or not you'd get more enjoyment from said pastime.

You know you're having a Bad Horse Day when

* You put your horse up for saleomitting the line "to a good home only" and emphasizing "all offers considered." Your ad states that you're willing to deliver.

* You trot your horse out on a trail and find yourself walking backalone.

* You get angry at your horse for spending three hours at pasture and then coming in to pee in his freshly-cleaned stall.

* Your horse refuses to trot during your dressage lesson. On a really bad day he falls down at the trot during the lesson. It's hard to look poised lying on the ground next to your horse, but you give it your best shot.

* You'd rather be doing laundry than cleaning the barn.

* Your horse decides he doesn't want to come in from the pasture. Chasing him around the acreage burns up your ride time. By the time you catch him, you're too angry and pooped to ride. Your husband calls and asks if you're having a nice day. You break into tears.

* You hear your back muscles rip as your horse takes the first jump long and turns the two-stride combination into a bounce.

* Your horse ignores a helicopter circling the premises but shies at a robin.

* You leave work early so you can bathe your horse for a riding lesson. You leave him in his stall to dry and he promptly crawls under the stall guard and rolls in the mud. His new nickname is "Old Yeller."

* You take a clinic with a well-known clinician, ride well while no one's watching, but create a new move (dubbed the triple half-flip) over an oxerdrawing a crowd.

* Your horse shreds his new winter blanket, stomps it into the mud, and then rolls on top of it.

* Your horse refuses to get in the trailer. Later, he refuses to get out of the trailer.

* Your trainer tactfully suggests that your horse is an idiot. Your horse kicks the trainer, dumps you, and runs offimplying that the trainer is right.

You know you're having a Bad Horse Day when

* You spend an hour washing the mud off your grey horse, load him in the horse trailer and are ready to head out to a riding lesson when the phone rings. It's the school, wanting you to pick up your barfing child.

* Your horse runs through the new fence you and your spouse spent all weekend building. You come home from work to find him in the yard, eating the tops off your baby apple trees.

* A well-known clinician emphatically states that your dressage prospect, "Can't move his way out of a paper bag." Another clinician suggests that your jumper, "Would be better suited for dressage."

* You return from a romantic evening out, slip into something "comfortable," and hear your horse galloping down the driveway.

* You go to load your horse in the trailer and find you have a flat tire.

* Your horse chews through the reins of his new show bridle. You were chatting with friends, feeling dapper in your show attire until it happened.

* You find out your expensive, custom saddle doesn't fit your horse.

* You get up bright and early for a show, throw your clean horse and tack into the trailer and head down the road. Exactly half way between home and the show, your truck overheats.

* Your horse poops in your boot as you clean his back feet.

* Your horse lets the other horses in on a well-kept secret. "Hey guys, the hot wire is off!" You follow their tracks through your neighbor's tidy lawn, and find them finishing off his vegetable garden.

* Your horse stomps on your foot so hard you swear he broke every bone. The x-rays reveal that he did.

* You unhook the trailer and drive to the feed store for some pellets. Later, you discover you forgot to unplug the trailer's electrical connector. Your friend fixes the severed cable using Radio Shack parts, but now when you turn on your left turn signal the trailer's interior lights flash and the truck radio emits smoke.

* The next day you tie your horse to the trailer, and he immediately chews up the new wiring.

* Your horse crushes you in the trailer, spraining your shoulder so badly you end up with your arm in a sling. You get home from Urgent Care, catch a few hours of sleep (trying not to roll over) and remembe* You've invited neighbors and co-workers for an Open House the next day.

* Your new brown horse gets loose on a moonlit night. You try to find him in the dark by feel.

* Your horse takes an obvious chunk out of the neck of the horse you've brought home on a two-week trial.

* You consider giving up riding and taking up tennis, golf, or Bingo.

* You start to believe that your husband was right: horses are a big, expensive waste of time.

For those of you who checked one or more items, don't worry. While there is no known cure for BHD at this time, it is seldom fatal. Husbands worldwide, however, hope for a quick fix that involves selling off the horses and opting for a more practical hobbylike hunting, fishing, or watching football.

In the meantime, horse women take heart! If your horse is all that bad you can sell him to the next optimist down the road. If his faults are forgivable, wrap your arms about his neck and have a good cry. Even on a bad day your horse will understand.