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Is being married to a horse-crazy woman an asset? Or a liability? We set out to find the answers to those questions—and more—in a focus-group setting one January evening. Nine men married to/or seriously involved with equine enthusiasts joined us to discuss topics such as “Horses: Passion or Obsession?,” “Relationship Issues,” and “Risk.”

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It was a fascinating evening—and lots of fun—but the answers were not all what I expected. While I anticipated much moaning and resentment of all things equine, it turned out we’d recruited the cream of the crop in the horse husband world. (O.K., one of the husbands was notably crabby—but more on him later.) Please note that names have been changed to protect the innocent.

In my first-time attempt to get the guy-side of the story, I recruited via Portland/Vancouver-area trainers and friends. It was my intention to gather a group of men who ranged from “very supportive” to “downright crabby.” As it turned out, women with supportive men asked them to attend and they, quite reasonably, said, “Sure, honey.” (We did offer dinner and drinks, as an enticement.) So, despite my attempt to gather a full spectrum of perspectives, we primarily ended up with a table-full of happily-married men, ranging in age from approximately 40 to 55 years.

To encourage our volunteers to speak honestly and openly, a male moderator worked from my script, while I observed from behind the traditional one-way mirror. After a series of warm-up questions (and a few beers), talk began to flow.

A highlight of the evening came early on, when our moderator asked, “Do you think horsewomen are ‘different’ than other women? And if so, how?” Nearly all the men agreed that horsewomen are more independent than ‘other’ women—and that it is a positive trait. [While this may seem obvious to horsewomen, how fun to hear it from a male perspective.]

As Jeff, one of our more vocal participants put it, “We all dated cling-ons, but we married independent women.” The room rang with laughter but the men weren’t ready to leave the topic. This group saw the independence of their women as an asset. “She does her thing with horses while I pursue my interests,” noted Mike. In fact, most of the participants had athletic interests of their own—which seemed to make it easier for them to be supportive of their wife’s interests.

Phil felt that horsewomen are “more understanding” than other women. “They deal with wild animals,” he said. “In comparison, we (men) are a piece of cake.” Jeff noted, “They’re not bitchy, in that catty way. I think it’s refreshing.”

While few of the men claimed they could understand their wife’s passion for horses, all accepted this aspect of their wives. Comments such as, “They can’t help it—it’s like a disease” may sound negative on the surface but is, in fact, guy-speak for “This is an important part of my wife’s well-being.” The men clearly acknowledged that, “If the horse is happy, the wife is happy. If the horse isn’t going well, nobody’s happy.” As Phil put it, “Riding has a therapeutic affect on my wife. Dealing with horses makes these women ‘well.’ Perhaps it’s because the horse responds to them—without demanding a lot in return.” Jeff put it more succinctly, “If she doesn’t spend time with her horses, she goes crazy.” The consensus was that riding is 100% essential to their wives’ well-being.

When asked, “What do you think horses represent to your wife?” Answers ranged from: it’s a childhood thing…they’re born with that gene…to it’s a spiritual/chick thing.” Karl said, “I doubt she could explain it. It’s just a part of her, since childhood. It’s been a focal point forever.” Peter agreed, “It’s the closest my wife gets to God.” The group acknowledged that part of the attraction is exercise, part is social, and part is the relationship with the horse but, in the end, “It’s not quantifiable from a male point of view.”

One aspect of horse ownership that clearly affects the lives of horse husbands is where the horse is kept. “Boarding is smarter and more well-balanced,” said Jim. “If you board, your wife visits the horse. If the horse is at home, you live with the horse.” Indeed, men were well-aware of the time commitments involved in keeping a horse at home. “It’s expensive to board,” Tom said, “but worth it!”

Jeff had a lot to say about managing horse property. “I’m thinking dream home; she’s thinking riding arena! I look out my window at the beautiful pastures I fertilized and tended—they’re mud pits.” As Karl said, “It’s a full time job to run a barn. You work all day and come home to electric fences that need to be fixed and hay that needs to be stacked.” The men were well aware that when horses are kept at home, you’re constrained by the demands of horse care—less free to travel and pursue other interests. “If something comes up with the horse, everything else is cancelled,” Mike noted. Heads nodded in agreement.

As far as expenses go, “There is no compromise,” Jim said. “Horse expenses seem to be a must.” “It just doesn’t stop,” said Jeff, who admitted he’s no longer sure how many horses his wife owns. (Maybe nine?) The men felt their wives generally try to keep their equine expenses to a minimum—it’s just an expensive sport. “She’s always looking for a bargain,” Karl said. On the other hand, the group howled when Jeff said, “She’ll come home saying, ‘Honey I got a deal on hay—all we have to do is pick it up!’ She’ll spend thousands on horses then try to save 25 cents on hay—and it’s my back.” Point well taken.

All were amused at the question, “Are you ever jealous of your wife’s horse?” Dan laughed, “That horse has a charmed life.” Another said, “I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes of my wife’s time. If the horse stumbles over a pebble it gets a chiropractor.” Jeff asked, “ When was the last time you had your blanket changed?” So, while none admitted to outright jealousy, a little more attention from their wives would clearly be appreciated.

On a more positive note, the men admired their wives’ commitment to riding. “Women set goals they can’t achieve,” said Phil. “It’s not just the passion of winning—it’s about seeing progress. They have a good day if they see improvement.” Others noted that, “The more you know about dressage, the more you appreciate how difficult it is. It takes forever to understand it.” With the exception of Dan, who said riding was “boring,” the men clearly appreciated the way women use ‘finesse’ to work with horses. Phil said, “Women have to take a different approach than a cowboy. It think it’s better.” Karl said, “Women can’t manhandle their horses. They come at it differently—and then I think they use this on their men.”

The group recognized and admired the risk involved with riding. “Horses are dangerous on both ends,” Phil said, “and uncomfortable in the middle.” “When I went to my first event, it was unbelievable,” Jeff said. “I was flat-out impressed. In day to day life my wife is quiet and not a risk taker—then I see her out there, galloping over cross-country fences. It puts her a notch up in my mind.”

Peter noted, “Risk is inherent in the sport. It’s not a question of if you’ll get hurt—but when.” “We all take risk in doing what we do,” Mike said. “I admire my wife for taking that risk.” Karl noted the way his wife’s confidence changes depending on the reliability of the horse she’s riding. “Better horses decrease risk,” he said. “They’re more expensive but worth it.”

As for the social aspects of horse ownership, the men (again, except for Dan) were appreciative that being a horse husband gives you access to the entire horse subculture. “The camaraderie among horse people is incredible,” Jeff said. “These are kind people. If a horse is sick, they’re all out at the barn.” “The women at the barn are great,” Peter said. “The kids at the barn are exceptionally bright and well-mannered,” Phil observed. “They learn rules of conduct and competition.”

By recruiting through trainers, our horse husbands came from some of the best barns in the Portland/Vancouver area. This translates to couples who are financially successful—money was not a major complaint in this group. In a younger group, we could probably expect money issues to put more stress on the relationship as a whole, making horse expenses a hotter topic.

The age range of our men (primarily 40 to 55 year olds) was another key factor in the attitudes expressed. This group has been married long enough to learn the give and take required of marriage and to acknowledge the strengths and weaknesses of their spouses. Dan, who rated himself as “tolerant” (as opposed to “supportive”) was one of the two youngest men in the group. The others in the group had learned to appreciate the importance of the horse to their spouse and had passions of their own, which they felt balanced out the time commitments and expenses of horse ownership. “She is who she is; I knew that when I married her,” Tom said. “Likewise, I don’t expect her to change me.” “She’s more exciting because of her horse involvement,” Evan said. “That helps our relationship.”

In all, our group was good-natured and content in their marriages. Congratulations to the women who’ve found themselves supportive horse husbands and good horses! And, hats off to the men who shared their thoughts and experiences with us. May your wife offer to change your blanket tonight.