Are You Being Groomed?

Predators take their time, build your trust and learn your weaknesses. Once they have all those things, they have established a degree of control over you before having even put a hand on you. Ultimately, predators want you to feel that what they are doing is okay. This allows them to justify their behavior and makes the victim feel guilty when they realize what is happening.

Here are some typical "grooming" behaviors:

Takes a special interest in you and your “progress.” Singles you out from other students or boarders.

Over-compliments you. (“You are the most talented student I’ve ever had.” “You’ll become one of the greatest riders in the world!”)

Makes comments about your physical appearance consistently (“Your hair is gorgeous.”)

Singles you out. Takes you aside to talk with you more than once.

Begins controlling your time and schedule. (Makes demands of your time that go beyond your lessons or work.)

Says that they spend time thinking about you. Tells you that they miss you when you are gone.

Gives you gifts.

Tells you “secrets” and personal information about themselves. Asks you to “promise not to tell.”

Touches you anytime they talk to you. Doesn’t respect personal space.

Tells you that they do not think of you as a student but as a friend or daughter. Says things like, “I can be your father, friend or something else…”

Becomes agitated if you do not spend time with them or follow their set schedule exactly. Asks you questions like, “Are you avoiding me?” if you do not spend time with them.

Calls and emails you when you are away. Constantly checks on you when you are in the barn.

Talks about sex to you or in your presence. Makes inappropriate comments even if they are not always directed at you. Makes derogatory remarks about women in general.

Asks you if you are afraid of them or if you trust them. Wants to know whether you are committed or loyal to them only. Wants to know about past romantic relationships.

Tells you that you owe them and makes demands of you. Whether it be for something like money, time or physical touch of any kind.

Makes you feel unsafe. Even if you have trouble finding the reasons for it in the beginning, believe yourself and believe your instincts.

Threatens you or tells you not to talk about what is happening to anyone for reasons such as, “they won’t understand” or “this is our secret.”

Is physically “rough” with you, other people, or animals. This raises tension around them and gives them a sense of power.

Makes you doubt yourself when you voice your concerns. Tells you things like, “You have trust issues that you need to work on.” or “You are so paranoid about things.”

Shows aggressive behavior toward you. Physically forces himself on you by holding you firmly or pinning you against something. Reacts violently to you if you voice an opposing opinion.

What to Do

If someone treats you in any of the ways listed above, seek help immediately. You may tell yourself that it is not a big deal, but it is. When someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable or afraid, it is a big deal. Do not try to excuse someone’s inappropriate behavior. It only lends them more power and causes you to doubt yourself.

Assault is legally defined in most states as unwanted physical contact of any kind. Sexual assault is legally defined in most states as unwanted physical contact with sexual intent or gratification for the perpetrator.

Stop the cycle early before you get caught in an even bigger trap. When allowed to continue, this kind of behavior can escalate to physical violence and rape.

If you feel uncomfortable, do not wait to react. Silence is a key element to an abusive person’s power. Break that silence, and you shift the power. But the longer you wait, the harder it is to do.

Go to someone on the outside. Tell a trusted friend or family member. Don’t use too much of your emotional energy trying to argue with your abuser. They will justify themselves and their behavior. Tell them no, and tell them to stop. You don’t owe them any more explanation. Then go to someone else. That is the best way to bring an end to the situation. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

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